Thursday, February 3, 2011


I woke up yesterday wanting to do a post about our wrap up with Black, including the self portrait I had been working on for about a week, and the question in the workbook, but my computer had other ideas. The power supply decided to stop working, leaving me without my usual programs and links and everything... So I couldn't do that and spent much of the day in a heightened state of frustration and agitation, which has carried over into today, but I am dealing as best as I can. (Only one breakdown this afternoon...)

I had thought I had done a good job learning the lessons Black had been teaching me. I had been discovering the Truth of Me, working to eliminate things that weren't a part of me, being true to my Self, working to see and know the truth of the people around me, but apparently I needed a few more lessons.

I was taking for granted that I was a driver and computer user. They were just so much a part of me that I had not included them in my self-portrait, I had included the big things: teacher, student, artist... and the harder to remember things: beautiful, short, wise... But as important as those 2 things are to me, I had not put them on. But without them I was SO. LOST.

First my car died. Not just a simple fix. The kind of estimated cost for repairs that makes the breath leave your body and you have to struggle to maintain the rest of the conversation, without fainting or laughing out loud at them like a raving lunatic. And our car is old, and has been with us a long time. We put nearly 100,000 miles on it ourselves. It was time to retire it and get something new. Of course, the taxes aren't due to be direct deposited until Friday; so for the past week, I've been Sitting with the Unknown, and being OK with it.

In the past I would be freaking out. Begging to borrow a car so I could get places. Trying to borrow money so I could buy a car NOW. Crying all the time because it's gone and I don't have another and what are we gonna do! But I was/am ok. I did none of that. And except for a small breakdown about the computer a few hours ago, I'm just trusting that the right car will come when we have our money.

Then the computer died. Not the whole thing, all my stuff is safe on my HD, just the power supply. Of course, like the car, it has to wait for the money. And I am *stuck* using my step-father's old machine. The one that my mom gave me when he died in August 09, that I was going to give to the kids when I got the family photos off, that's been sitting in the kitchen just waiting for me to have the time.

Wait... Stuck? Yeah, stuck. This thing is older then my machine, that gave me a hard time about doing too much. It doesn't have my photo editing program, the one I use to scan my pics to share, it doesn't have the drivers for my printer/scanner (took me 3 hours to try to get them on before it had a "fatal error in installation" and crashed), my email program isn't here (thank goodness for gmail, sucks to be still sending me mail at my rr addy though, that'll wait), it doesn't know what to do if I hook my camera up to it, and my pictures... my 100s of 1000s of photos and images and inspiration... GAH!

But wait... those are just inconveniences, aren't they? I am still here. Online. I have been slowed down. I can't multi-task on this. I have a clean slate. I don't need 100s of 1000s of pics that aren't mine. And I still have a majillion art & craft supplies to entertain me, and 4 wonderful kids, and Jacqueline, and a warm house, and clothes, and tasty food... and... really, do I need anything else?

Why am I complaining so much and allowing so much frustration and anger to fill my days when I am still damn fucking lucky? I need to go apologize to Jacqueline & the kids for being such a cranky ass.

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