Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Temple of the Twelve: Pink

1. Let’s talk of Pink, as she is much different from Black. How do you feel about Pink? What does this color mean to you?
Pink to me is the color of romance and love of course, as well as bubble gum and cotton candy, baby girls and ballet... sweetness and love and fun...

2. Pink is the color of compassion. Do you consider yourself to be a kind and compassionate person? Why or why not?
I do consider myself kind and compassionate. I would never intentionally hurt someone or something, and I try to help when I can, often over-extending myself in the process.

3. If you were in similar situations as Little Bird, how would your response be different, or the same?
My reaction to Gawen would definitely have been different from Caroline’s. I have never been afraid of love. I fall fast and have never been afraid of the repercussions. Yes, it leads to hurt more often than not, but ever since I was a child I’ve been hungry for it and I don’t hesitate.

4. Do you feel you have treated yourself with gentle compassion throughout your life?
No. I am harder on myself than anyone, holding myself to higher standards than I do others. I feel guilty for not doing enough, for not doing the right things, for hurting & disappointing people in ways that were unavoidable and unintentional...

5. Some people think that because Pink is so gentle, she is not a strong color. Do you think of Pink as strong or weak?
It is risky to love, to be so open, and it takes strength to allow oneself to be vulnerable like that. It’s not weak.

6. What do you think are your three greatest heart wounds?
It is hard to answer this question. I don’t like to dwell on the past. I don’t like to remember it. No, I’ve not had a horrible past, but I have been hurt, and I don’t like to drag it up; it’s like opening the wound all over again. But in the interest of spiritual growth, I shall give it a try.

While my relationship with my mom is good now, it wasn’t always so. My mom did the best she could but she made mistakes that still affect me. She got a job when I was young and I became a latchkey kid; my grades dropped, my weight went up, and my self-esteem dropped lower (I had never really fit in). She later divorced my father, and moved me & her to my grandmother’s one weekend while I was sent away to my aunt’s; she never told me until it was done. She claimed one reason was that my dad hit me; yet after the divorce, my father never spanked me again, but she did. When she remarried, she became too wrapped up in my stepfather and catering to his every need that mine were pushed aside. That continues to today. I am an adult now and can see that she is human, and is doing the best that she can, but not having her be the mother I felt she should have been was (is?) a pretty big heart wound.

My relationship with my dad is strained. He is very self-absorbed, and quite uninterested in his daughter’s thoughts and interests. I am just his little girl. As a child I was a disappointment because I cried often and at the slightest provocation. He never fostered my interest in his hobbies (autos), and now is disappointed because I am not going to be taking over his engine shop. If I try to tell him about my life and what’s going on, somehow the conversations always end up back on him; so I’ve stopped trying. I just want to feel like I am not a disappointment to him, like he hears me and cares. Feeling this way, this hurt, really doesn’t make me amiable to the idea of taking care of him, as harsh as that sounds. It feels incredibly unfair to me that he hasn’t been there for me unless things were hugely dire, yet I am expected to help him no matter the cost to me (I don’t mean purely financial here).

Choosing a third heart wound is even harder. So many big important hurts, that all seem so small and insignificant now. I guess it would be the dissolution of my relationship with R. I was so in love with him. I wanted to get married, buy some property, build a home, raise a family, grow old together... But there was always some reason, some small thing to accomplish, some thing that made me not good enough to marry. He wasn’t abusive, not in anyway, but he still wore away at my self-esteem and confidence. I eventually left him, and almost immediately got engaged to my (eventually) ex-husband, but I still find myself thinking and doing things that are not true to myself, but are things that R would have thought or wanted. Feeling not good enough is a very big heart wound.

7. Which of the three you have listed would you say is your greatest heart wound?
They are all big and hurtful, and they all affect me in different ways at different times. I don’t think I can choose one over another.

8. What of your other two greatest heart wounds? How would you describe the healing for these to Pink?
Hmmm... Well, since the next question is to write a plan to heal one of my heart wounds, and 2 of them are mostly healed already, I shall describe the healing that was done.

First, with my mother, I grew up, I examined her life from the outside, I analyzed why she acts the way she does and the things she did. I realized she was human too, just as imperfect and insecure and not at all the infallible woman I expected my mother to be. I learned to see who she really was as a person and realized I still love her and appreciate all she tried (and tries) to do for me.

With R, after a brief but total separation, we were reunited by a mutual friend, and have had several discussions about what happened, but mostly have just let the past alone and lived only in the present. As with my mother, I have tried to see him for the person he *is* instead of the person I wanted him to be, to analyze why he thinks and acts like he does without judging. I realize that he too is human and imperfect, yet I am grateful to have him in my life still, because the wounds were not caused by him deliberately. He was doing the best he could, and it was only my expectations that caused my disappointment and hurt.

9. Let us return to your single greatest heart wound. Write down your plan to heal that heart wound. I offer you a blessing as you begin this healing. Remember Lady Pink is always with you.
Not having a good relationship with my dad is it. It is fresh and particularly raw right now. But like I did with my mom & R, I need to realize my dad is an imperfect, insecure human being too, capable of making mistakes just like everyone else. I need to analyze why he thinks and acts like he does, so I can better understand the person he is, and better understanding will allow my interactions with him to be filled with love and compassion, instead of only feeling put upon, and angry, and frustrated. If I could eliminate those feelings, then I could better relate to him, and be a better help.

10. OPTIONAL: Write your own prayer to Pink.
I will think on this...

11. A GIFT FOR PINK. On pages 26-27 in the workbook, there are spaces to record your daily kindnesses, for one month. If you’d like to copy any of those here, please do.
I will try to make a post about these daily...