The Depth of Black, Again

I resumed my studies with the Colors at the end of September, and began my work with Black with the New Moon in October. To Jacqueline & I, Lady Black is all about finding - and seeing - the truth. In our lives, about ourselves, in others. Her message is not always easy. But I am getting ahead of myself...

So this is the third time I've started working with the colors, and I am hoping I make it all the way through this time. Of course the first thing we're asked to do is create a self portrait. I've introduced myself with words, but these are my self portraits from the past two times, and this time.

The top left is my first EVER self portrait from 2009. It was also my first time art journaling, and my first time using paints in a sketch book. The bottom left is my second attempt from 2011. I chose words rather than attempt another painting. And of course the right is from today. My art has indeed come a long way in the past 5 years, as has my sense of owning that title: Artist.

Anyway, on to the questions!

1. In the story, Little Bird meets Black and is challenged to discover who her authentic, real self is. How well do you know your own authentic self? We asked you to create a portrait of your self at the beginning of this adventure. How well do you think that portrait describes your real, authentic self? Black taught me quite a bit about my authentic self this time around. I think my previous self-portraits were about finding out who I am, more in a general sense (this is what I look like, these words describe me...), but this time, I tried to get an even *more* realistic view of myself, but Black still said I had to dig deeper.

2. After having read Chapter One and meeting Black, is there anything that you would like to add to your initial portrait? I would make it less perfect. As I drew, I left out blemishes and wrinkles, blaming it on the low quality photo reference I was using of course, but knowing full well they are there, and I could have found them with a mirror and drawn them in.

3. Little Bird of the story has been gifted with artistic talent. What would you say are your own gifts and talents? That is something I share with Little Bird. I don't think I draw as "divinely inspired" as she does, but I like to make art that others find pleasing and joyful, and maybe even magical.

4. Do you feel you have fully explored them? No! No way! I have lots more mediums to explore, styles to try, masters to study... I have just been getting my toes wet!

5. And how do you think Black would encourage you to explore the depths of those gifts and talents? What would she ask you to do with them? Keep going! Get out the oils, get out the canvas & artists panel, keep playing with watercolors & ink... get your stuff in the gallery! Face those fears and get it out there! Stop using *I can't afford...* as an excuse not to do things!

6. Some people are afraid of Black, thinking it is evil. Do you feel any fear towards Black? If so, why? No fear. I've never seen the color as evil. And quite honestly, you can't make something really shine and sparkle bright if there's no dark.

7. You have seen how Caroline reacts and interacts with Deity as represented by the color Black? If you were in Little Bird’s place, how do you think you would react and interact with the color Black? I definitely hold myself more reserved than she does. I think I would probably cry, I do tend to do that a lot.

8. Select just one of the gifts and talents that you listed earlier. Write down your plan on how you will improve that gift or talent. I am definitely working on getting more pieces into the gallery, and will be continuing to draw & sketch daily, and paint as often as I can.

9. OPTIONAL: Write your own Prayer to Black here. Not this time around.

10. A Ritual for Black: Jacqueline & I had our ritual this evening at our altar and spoke of our month with Black. Black has shown me this month that I spend too much time trying to present a perfect face, a perfect life, when the truth is I am so not perfect.

I am messy, moody, distracted, and unfocused, and I hold myself, and the people around me, to impossibly high standards, and am continually let down when those standards aren't met. I spend too much time unhappy and cause much of my own misery by expecting so much.

But again, the truth is that life is still full of wonderful beautiful things. The important things. The things that really matter. Unconditional love, warm clothes, warm dry house, electricity, water, food... I even have a car, and a big happy family.

Perfect? Far from it. And even my daily gratitude posts fail to put me in the right frame of mind some days. I take so much for granted. And that was Lady Black's lesson for me this past month. The truth about my life and myself.

Pink Questions

1. In chapter two, Little Bird meets Pink and is challenged to examine the hurts in her life and how to heal those hurts. As you have read in this chapter, Little Bird was given the task to find her three greatest heart wounds and begin to heal them. Before we discuss your three greatest heart wounds, let's talk of Pink, as she is much different from Black. How do you feel about Pink? What does this color mean to you?
Pink is the color of bubble gum & cotton candy, unicorn manes & fairy wings, princess gowns & poodle poofs, spring flowers & twilight skies. It evokes in me a sense of innocence love, the kind that children naturally have for everyone and everything before life messes things up.

2. Pink is the color of compassion. Do you, dear reader, consider yourself to be a kind and compassionate person? Why or why not?
I do. I am affected by things that others around me don't seem to be. Although I do tend to not be very compassionate with myself.

3. If you were in similar situations as Little Bird, how would your response be different or the same?
Probably different. I don't run away from love. I tend to be more cautious now, but I still tend to jump right in.

4. Do you feel you have treated yourself with gentle compassion throughout your life?
Definitely not. I am very hard on myself, expecting myself to live up to a higher standard than others around me.

5. Some people think that because Pink is so gentle, she is not a strong color. Do you think of Pink as strong or weak?
It's definitely a strong color; have you seen my grandmother's bedroom?

6. What, dear reader, do you think are your three greatest heart wounds?
I am still working to heal the wounds I discussed last time I answered these questions. My relationships with my mom and dad, and my break-up with R, all of which left/leave me feeling *not-good-enough* about myself.

7. Which of the three you have listed would you say is your greatest heart wound?
Definitely my relationship with my father.

8. What of your other two greatest heart wounds? How would you describe the healing for these to Pink?
I think I just need to keep remembering that my mom & R - and my Dad - are all doing the best they can & know, and were all along. I need to think of them with love and compassion - and myself...

9. Let us return to your single greatest heart wound. Write down your plan to heal that heart wound. I offer you a blessing as you begin this healing. Remember, Pink is always with you.
I need to just start talking to my dad more. Keep that same thing in mind, that he did and is doing the best he can, and to keep remembering that we love each other.

10. Optional: Write your own prayer to Pink.
Lady Pink, please help me to see everyone through the eyes of love and compassion, keeping in mind that they are all doing the best they can - including myself.

11. If you'd like to be closer to Pink, spend a month with her, and every day for a month, do something kind for someone else. It can be as simple as a kind word or a smile. Record your gifts to Pink.
I do feel drawn to do something like this, as a way to extend my time with Pink, but I think instead of doing a specific act of kindness, I am going to do 2 things:

1. Over the next month or so I am going to drop 30 kindness cards (like these) when we are out and about.
2. Every evening before bed, I am going to meditate on sending love & compassion to the world, particularly the people around me, and ask for the same in return.

The Depth of Black

First, my self-portrait...


Click to view on black...
Created in my sketchbook with black markers, a little black crayon, some grey marker on the me,
and just a touch of the other colors of the rainbow, because Black contains them all.
1. In the story, Little Bird meets Black and is challenged to discover who her authentic, real self is. How well do you know your own authentic self? We asked you to create a portrait of your self at the beginning of this adventure. How well do you think that portrait describes your real, authentic self? I believe it's fairly accurate. All of the words I had originally added, when I asked others to describe me, were the same or synonyms of their replies.

2. After having read Chapter One and meeting Black, is there anything that you would like to add to your initial portrait? Yes. I have since added a few words: driver and computer user. And I think more of the dark, not-so-pretty words to describe me should maybe be added as well, like fearful, depressed, angry... but I didn't want those words so permanently displayed and connected to Me... perhaps, I shall add them in pencil - which would continue the Black theme, but allow for impermanence unlike the marker...

3. Little Bird of the story has been gifted with artistic talent. What would you say are your own gifts and talents? Creativity, kindness, the ability to see beauty and good in everything and everyone...

4. Do you feel you have fully explored them? Why or why not? No, not fully. The creative side of me was squashed for a long time. It's not a productive thing was the message I got. So I am now only beginning to allow myself to explore this side of Me.

5. And how do you think Black would encourage you to explore the depths of those gifts and talents? What would she ask you to do with them? I think Black sees that I am on the right path and would encourage me to continue, make art, take photos, show others the beauty you see, be kind...

6. Some people are afraid of Black, thinking it is evil. Do you feel any fear towards Black? If so, why? I've never seen black as an evil color, and I have no fear of Black. But I do fear the unknown, and I do try to hide from the truth when I fear it may hurt - myself or others.

7. You have seen how Caroline reacts and interacts with Deity as represented by the color Black? If you were in Little Bird’s place, how do you think you would react and interact with the color Black? I am not as effusive as Little Bird and tend to keep a tight rein on my reactions - I try anyway. Likely I would be respectful, but probably too self-conscious or nervous to say much or let much show.

8. Select just one of the gifts and talents that you listed earlier. Write down your plan on how you will improve that gift or talent. Sharing the beauty I see with others is one I feel I really want to work on right now. I don't just mean physical beauty that one can see plainly; I think we call have no trouble with that. But when I am in a classroom, being able to show other teachers and the students the beauty of the world around them, the beauty of a child's interest & enthusiasm, the beauty in their work... that is what is important to me right now. That is what is going to make the biggest change I think.

9. OPTIONAL: Write your own Prayer to Black here. Lady Black, help me to release my fears of the unknown, to see the beauty of everything, to understand the truth of each individual I meet, and especially to see and understand the beauty and truth of ME and not be ashamed.

10. A Ritual for Black: Jacqueline & I did a ritual on the first. I wish my computer hadn't died the next morning because I had been so gung-ho to type out all that happened, and now I can barely remember. ;-; We cast a circle and called the quarters, and then lit a candle to shed light on our truths. We talked about the lessons Black had taught each of us and shared our thoughts on them. Then we added some things to our altar as reminders of these lessons, then extinguished the candle as a reminder that even in the dark the truth is still there if we are open to seeing it.

Temple of the Twelve: Pink

1. Let’s talk of Pink, as she is much different from Black. How do you feel about Pink? What does this color mean to you?
Pink to me is the color of romance and love of course, as well as bubble gum and cotton candy, baby girls and ballet... sweetness and love and fun...

2. Pink is the color of compassion. Do you consider yourself to be a kind and compassionate person? Why or why not?
I do consider myself kind and compassionate. I would never intentionally hurt someone or something, and I try to help when I can, often over-extending myself in the process.

3. If you were in similar situations as Little Bird, how would your response be different, or the same?
My reaction to Gawen would definitely have been different from Caroline’s. I have never been afraid of love. I fall fast and have never been afraid of the repercussions. Yes, it leads to hurt more often than not, but ever since I was a child I’ve been hungry for it and I don’t hesitate.

4. Do you feel you have treated yourself with gentle compassion throughout your life?
No. I am harder on myself than anyone, holding myself to higher standards than I do others. I feel guilty for not doing enough, for not doing the right things, for hurting & disappointing people in ways that were unavoidable and unintentional...

5. Some people think that because Pink is so gentle, she is not a strong color. Do you think of Pink as strong or weak?
It is risky to love, to be so open, and it takes strength to allow oneself to be vulnerable like that. It’s not weak.

6. What do you think are your three greatest heart wounds?
It is hard to answer this question. I don’t like to dwell on the past. I don’t like to remember it. No, I’ve not had a horrible past, but I have been hurt, and I don’t like to drag it up; it’s like opening the wound all over again. But in the interest of spiritual growth, I shall give it a try.

While my relationship with my mom is good now, it wasn’t always so. My mom did the best she could but she made mistakes that still affect me. She got a job when I was young and I became a latchkey kid; my grades dropped, my weight went up, and my self-esteem dropped lower (I had never really fit in). She later divorced my father, and moved me & her to my grandmother’s one weekend while I was sent away to my aunt’s; she never told me until it was done. She claimed one reason was that my dad hit me; yet after the divorce, my father never spanked me again, but she did. When she remarried, she became too wrapped up in my stepfather and catering to his every need that mine were pushed aside. That continues to today. I am an adult now and can see that she is human, and is doing the best that she can, but not having her be the mother I felt she should have been was (is?) a pretty big heart wound.

My relationship with my dad is strained. He is very self-absorbed, and quite uninterested in his daughter’s thoughts and interests. I am just his little girl. As a child I was a disappointment because I cried often and at the slightest provocation. He never fostered my interest in his hobbies (autos), and now is disappointed because I am not going to be taking over his engine shop. If I try to tell him about my life and what’s going on, somehow the conversations always end up back on him; so I’ve stopped trying. I just want to feel like I am not a disappointment to him, like he hears me and cares. Feeling this way, this hurt, really doesn’t make me amiable to the idea of taking care of him, as harsh as that sounds. It feels incredibly unfair to me that he hasn’t been there for me unless things were hugely dire, yet I am expected to help him no matter the cost to me (I don’t mean purely financial here).

Choosing a third heart wound is even harder. So many big important hurts, that all seem so small and insignificant now. I guess it would be the dissolution of my relationship with R. I was so in love with him. I wanted to get married, buy some property, build a home, raise a family, grow old together... But there was always some reason, some small thing to accomplish, some thing that made me not good enough to marry. He wasn’t abusive, not in anyway, but he still wore away at my self-esteem and confidence. I eventually left him, and almost immediately got engaged to my (eventually) ex-husband, but I still find myself thinking and doing things that are not true to myself, but are things that R would have thought or wanted. Feeling not good enough is a very big heart wound.

7. Which of the three you have listed would you say is your greatest heart wound?
They are all big and hurtful, and they all affect me in different ways at different times. I don’t think I can choose one over another.

8. What of your other two greatest heart wounds? How would you describe the healing for these to Pink?
Hmmm... Well, since the next question is to write a plan to heal one of my heart wounds, and 2 of them are mostly healed already, I shall describe the healing that was done.

First, with my mother, I grew up, I examined her life from the outside, I analyzed why she acts the way she does and the things she did. I realized she was human too, just as imperfect and insecure and not at all the infallible woman I expected my mother to be. I learned to see who she really was as a person and realized I still love her and appreciate all she tried (and tries) to do for me.

With R, after a brief but total separation, we were reunited by a mutual friend, and have had several discussions about what happened, but mostly have just let the past alone and lived only in the present. As with my mother, I have tried to see him for the person he *is* instead of the person I wanted him to be, to analyze why he thinks and acts like he does without judging. I realize that he too is human and imperfect, yet I am grateful to have him in my life still, because the wounds were not caused by him deliberately. He was doing the best he could, and it was only my expectations that caused my disappointment and hurt.

9. Let us return to your single greatest heart wound. Write down your plan to heal that heart wound. I offer you a blessing as you begin this healing. Remember Lady Pink is always with you.
Not having a good relationship with my dad is it. It is fresh and particularly raw right now. But like I did with my mom & R, I need to realize my dad is an imperfect, insecure human being too, capable of making mistakes just like everyone else. I need to analyze why he thinks and acts like he does, so I can better understand the person he is, and better understanding will allow my interactions with him to be filled with love and compassion, instead of only feeling put upon, and angry, and frustrated. If I could eliminate those feelings, then I could better relate to him, and be a better help.

10. OPTIONAL: Write your own prayer to Pink.
I will think on this...

11. A GIFT FOR PINK. On pages 26-27 in the workbook, there are spaces to record your daily kindnesses, for one month. If you’d like to copy any of those here, please do.
I will try to make a post about these daily...

Temple... Questions

1. In the story, Little Bird meets Black and is challenged to discover who her authentic, real self is. How well do you know your own authentic self? We asked you to create a portrait of your self at the beginning of this adventure. How well do you think that portrait describes your real, authentic self?
I believe it *looks* like me, a me that was at one time, but not the me I *am* right now today...

2. After having read Chapter One and meeting Black, is there anything that you would like to add to your initial portrait?
Oh I would add so much more, but I am not going to go back and change it. It is who I felt I was on the day that I painted it, and that is good enough for now.

3. Little Bird of the story has been gifted with artistic talent. What would you say are your own gifts and talents?
I wish my artistic talent came like Little Bird’s does, but it *is* a talent of mine. I write well. I take nice pictures.

4. Do you feel you have fully explored them? Why or why not?
No. Not at all. They’ve all been things that others, whose values and opinions mattered more to me than my own, have not deemed them worthy of doing. They don’t make money.

5. And how do you think Black would encourage you to explore the depths of those gifts and talents? What would she ask you to do with them?
She would want me to create every day to fully explore them! Write stories, draw pictures, take photographs...

6. Some people are afraid of Black, thinking it is evil. Do you feel any fear towards Black? If so, why?
I have never feared Black, but have been drawn to it – it’s a slimming color you know... LOL! Ok seriously, no I have no fear of Black, and have indeed felt drawn to that color, but not as strong as purple... ^-^

7. You have seen how Caroline reacts and interacts with Deity as represented by the color Black? If you were in Little Bird’s place, how do you think you would react and interact with the color Black?
I don’t think I would ever react to anyone with that kind of uncontrolled emotion; I’ve been conditioned to try very hard to not show any emotion – of course I fail miserably, but I still think I would at least attempt to contain myself more...

8. Select just one of the gifts and talents that you listed earlier. Write down your plan on how you will improve that gift or talent.
I have decided to create something every day this month! So far so good!

9. OPTIONAL: Write your own Prayer to Black here.
I will think on this more, and should one come to me I will post it and use it during the ritual...

10. A Ritual for Black. (This is on Page 23 in the workbook, to be done at the Dark Moon which is around the 24th of this month of February).
Will do on the 24th and post about it...