And so we begin again...

After many starts and stops, I have begun my work with the colors again. This past Full Moon at the end of January, Jacqueline & I celebrated the Full Wolf Moon with Lady Black, who encourages us to seek our Truth. As we did so, we answered the question the Wolf Moon asks, "What dreams are you hungry for?" (Jamie Ridler's Year of Dreams)

♥ I am hungry for a deeper, more intimate relationship with Jacqueline.

♦ I am hungry for a permanent full-time job that I love, not just substitute, part-time, or interim.

♠ I am hungry for a healthy, happy body: moving, resting, full of energy...

♣ I am hungry for a home I love to be in, colors on the walls I like, things around my room I want to see (not things i feel I have to keep)...

How I imagine Lady Black to appear at times...

Emil Fuchs [No restrictions or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The Depth of Black, Again

I resumed my studies with the Colors at the end of September, and began my work with Black with the New Moon in October. To Jacqueline & I, Lady Black is all about finding - and seeing - the truth. In our lives, about ourselves, in others. Her message is not always easy. But I am getting ahead of myself...

So this is the third time I've started working with the colors, and I am hoping I make it all the way through this time. Of course the first thing we're asked to do is create a self portrait. I've introduced myself with words, but these are my self portraits from the past two times, and this time.

The top left is my first EVER self portrait from 2009. It was also my first time art journaling, and my first time using paints in a sketch book. The bottom left is my second attempt from 2011. I chose words rather than attempt another painting. And of course the right is from today. My art has indeed come a long way in the past 5 years, as has my sense of owning that title: Artist.

Anyway, on to the questions!

1. In the story, Little Bird meets Black and is challenged to discover who her authentic, real self is. How well do you know your own authentic self? We asked you to create a portrait of your self at the beginning of this adventure. How well do you think that portrait describes your real, authentic self? Black taught me quite a bit about my authentic self this time around. I think my previous self-portraits were about finding out who I am, more in a general sense (this is what I look like, these words describe me...), but this time, I tried to get an even *more* realistic view of myself, but Black still said I had to dig deeper.

2. After having read Chapter One and meeting Black, is there anything that you would like to add to your initial portrait? I would make it less perfect. As I drew, I left out blemishes and wrinkles, blaming it on the low quality photo reference I was using of course, but knowing full well they are there, and I could have found them with a mirror and drawn them in.

3. Little Bird of the story has been gifted with artistic talent. What would you say are your own gifts and talents? That is something I share with Little Bird. I don't think I draw as "divinely inspired" as she does, but I like to make art that others find pleasing and joyful, and maybe even magical.

4. Do you feel you have fully explored them? No! No way! I have lots more mediums to explore, styles to try, masters to study... I have just been getting my toes wet!

5. And how do you think Black would encourage you to explore the depths of those gifts and talents? What would she ask you to do with them? Keep going! Get out the oils, get out the canvas & artists panel, keep playing with watercolors & ink... get your stuff in the gallery! Face those fears and get it out there! Stop using *I can't afford...* as an excuse not to do things!

6. Some people are afraid of Black, thinking it is evil. Do you feel any fear towards Black? If so, why? No fear. I've never seen the color as evil. And quite honestly, you can't make something really shine and sparkle bright if there's no dark.

7. You have seen how Caroline reacts and interacts with Deity as represented by the color Black? If you were in Little Bird’s place, how do you think you would react and interact with the color Black? I definitely hold myself more reserved than she does. I think I would probably cry, I do tend to do that a lot.

8. Select just one of the gifts and talents that you listed earlier. Write down your plan on how you will improve that gift or talent. I am definitely working on getting more pieces into the gallery, and will be continuing to draw & sketch daily, and paint as often as I can.

9. OPTIONAL: Write your own Prayer to Black here. Not this time around.

10. A Ritual for Black: Jacqueline & I had our ritual this evening at our altar and spoke of our month with Black. Black has shown me this month that I spend too much time trying to present a perfect face, a perfect life, when the truth is I am so not perfect.

I am messy, moody, distracted, and unfocused, and I hold myself, and the people around me, to impossibly high standards, and am continually let down when those standards aren't met. I spend too much time unhappy and cause much of my own misery by expecting so much.

But again, the truth is that life is still full of wonderful beautiful things. The important things. The things that really matter. Unconditional love, warm clothes, warm dry house, electricity, water, food... I even have a car, and a big happy family.

Perfect? Far from it. And even my daily gratitude posts fail to put me in the right frame of mind some days. I take so much for granted. And that was Lady Black's lesson for me this past month. The truth about my life and myself.

The Depth of Black

First, my self-portrait...


Click to view on black...
Created in my sketchbook with black markers, a little black crayon, some grey marker on the me,
and just a touch of the other colors of the rainbow, because Black contains them all.
1. In the story, Little Bird meets Black and is challenged to discover who her authentic, real self is. How well do you know your own authentic self? We asked you to create a portrait of your self at the beginning of this adventure. How well do you think that portrait describes your real, authentic self? I believe it's fairly accurate. All of the words I had originally added, when I asked others to describe me, were the same or synonyms of their replies.

2. After having read Chapter One and meeting Black, is there anything that you would like to add to your initial portrait? Yes. I have since added a few words: driver and computer user. And I think more of the dark, not-so-pretty words to describe me should maybe be added as well, like fearful, depressed, angry... but I didn't want those words so permanently displayed and connected to Me... perhaps, I shall add them in pencil - which would continue the Black theme, but allow for impermanence unlike the marker...

3. Little Bird of the story has been gifted with artistic talent. What would you say are your own gifts and talents? Creativity, kindness, the ability to see beauty and good in everything and everyone...

4. Do you feel you have fully explored them? Why or why not? No, not fully. The creative side of me was squashed for a long time. It's not a productive thing was the message I got. So I am now only beginning to allow myself to explore this side of Me.

5. And how do you think Black would encourage you to explore the depths of those gifts and talents? What would she ask you to do with them? I think Black sees that I am on the right path and would encourage me to continue, make art, take photos, show others the beauty you see, be kind...

6. Some people are afraid of Black, thinking it is evil. Do you feel any fear towards Black? If so, why? I've never seen black as an evil color, and I have no fear of Black. But I do fear the unknown, and I do try to hide from the truth when I fear it may hurt - myself or others.

7. You have seen how Caroline reacts and interacts with Deity as represented by the color Black? If you were in Little Bird’s place, how do you think you would react and interact with the color Black? I am not as effusive as Little Bird and tend to keep a tight rein on my reactions - I try anyway. Likely I would be respectful, but probably too self-conscious or nervous to say much or let much show.

8. Select just one of the gifts and talents that you listed earlier. Write down your plan on how you will improve that gift or talent. Sharing the beauty I see with others is one I feel I really want to work on right now. I don't just mean physical beauty that one can see plainly; I think we call have no trouble with that. But when I am in a classroom, being able to show other teachers and the students the beauty of the world around them, the beauty of a child's interest & enthusiasm, the beauty in their work... that is what is important to me right now. That is what is going to make the biggest change I think.

9. OPTIONAL: Write your own Prayer to Black here. Lady Black, help me to release my fears of the unknown, to see the beauty of everything, to understand the truth of each individual I meet, and especially to see and understand the beauty and truth of ME and not be ashamed.

10. A Ritual for Black: Jacqueline & I did a ritual on the first. I wish my computer hadn't died the next morning because I had been so gung-ho to type out all that happened, and now I can barely remember. ;-; We cast a circle and called the quarters, and then lit a candle to shed light on our truths. We talked about the lessons Black had taught each of us and shared our thoughts on them. Then we added some things to our altar as reminders of these lessons, then extinguished the candle as a reminder that even in the dark the truth is still there if we are open to seeing it.

Blarghety-Blargh

I woke up yesterday wanting to do a post about our wrap up with Black, including the self portrait I had been working on for about a week, and the question in the workbook, but my computer had other ideas. The power supply decided to stop working, leaving me without my usual programs and links and everything... So I couldn't do that and spent much of the day in a heightened state of frustration and agitation, which has carried over into today, but I am dealing as best as I can. (Only one breakdown this afternoon...)

I had thought I had done a good job learning the lessons Black had been teaching me. I had been discovering the Truth of Me, working to eliminate things that weren't a part of me, being true to my Self, working to see and know the truth of the people around me, but apparently I needed a few more lessons.

I was taking for granted that I was a driver and computer user. They were just so much a part of me that I had not included them in my self-portrait, I had included the big things: teacher, student, artist... and the harder to remember things: beautiful, short, wise... But as important as those 2 things are to me, I had not put them on. But without them I was SO. LOST.

First my car died. Not just a simple fix. The kind of estimated cost for repairs that makes the breath leave your body and you have to struggle to maintain the rest of the conversation, without fainting or laughing out loud at them like a raving lunatic. And our car is old, and has been with us a long time. We put nearly 100,000 miles on it ourselves. It was time to retire it and get something new. Of course, the taxes aren't due to be direct deposited until Friday; so for the past week, I've been Sitting with the Unknown, and being OK with it.

In the past I would be freaking out. Begging to borrow a car so I could get places. Trying to borrow money so I could buy a car NOW. Crying all the time because it's gone and I don't have another and what are we gonna do! But I was/am ok. I did none of that. And except for a small breakdown about the computer a few hours ago, I'm just trusting that the right car will come when we have our money.

Then the computer died. Not the whole thing, all my stuff is safe on my HD, just the power supply. Of course, like the car, it has to wait for the money. And I am *stuck* using my step-father's old machine. The one that my mom gave me when he died in August 09, that I was going to give to the kids when I got the family photos off, that's been sitting in the kitchen just waiting for me to have the time.

Wait... Stuck? Yeah, stuck. This thing is older then my machine, that gave me a hard time about doing too much. It doesn't have my photo editing program, the one I use to scan my pics to share, it doesn't have the drivers for my printer/scanner (took me 3 hours to try to get them on before it had a "fatal error in installation" and crashed), my email program isn't here (thank goodness for gmail, sucks to be still sending me mail at my rr addy though, that'll wait), it doesn't know what to do if I hook my camera up to it, and my pictures... my 100s of 1000s of photos and images and inspiration... GAH!

But wait... those are just inconveniences, aren't they? I am still here. Online. I have been slowed down. I can't multi-task on this. I have a clean slate. I don't need 100s of 1000s of pics that aren't mine. And I still have a majillion art & craft supplies to entertain me, and 4 wonderful kids, and Jacqueline, and a warm house, and clothes, and tasty food... and... really, do I need anything else?

Why am I complaining so much and allowing so much frustration and anger to fill my days when I am still damn fucking lucky? I need to go apologize to Jacqueline & the kids for being such a cranky ass.

Another Message from Black

This one from rootsofshe.com...

Sara : Blend in, or shine differently?

I've stood out my entire life, whether I wanted to or not (and I rarely ever wanted to). I'm 6'2" now and was always the tallest girl in my class as well as taller than almost all of the boys. My elementary school let me skip grades, so I was two years younger than all of my classmates. I graduated high school and started college at the age of 16. My last name was Lebanese and drew a lot of negative attention and Arab insults. When I started college, I was majoring in aerospace engineering and minoring in math – two fields where I was often one of only a handful of women in a large lecture hall. Now I am a middle school teacher whose students frequently ask me questions about my tattoos and piercings. At most meals, I am the only vegan at the table. And everyone I run into seems a bit taken aback by the fact that I am an amateur Muay Thai kickboxer.

When we're younger, it seems that we make note of people's differences in order to tease them for the ways in which they are not like us. Being called "towel head" and "camel jockey" all throughout grade school certainly seemed to prove this point to me. So did being made fun of for my height and having men constantly imply that I was a lesbian simply because I was of larger stature than almost everyone else around me. The more I stood out, the more I wanted to blend in. I was always shy and a bit of a bookworm, so having attention drawn to me for negative reasons just made me retreat that much more. I was really fortunate to find a group of friends in high school that began to slowly draw me out of my shell.

As I've gotten older, the teasing and insults have given way to a whole new realm of issues concerning the ways that I stand out. The most noticeable area of my life where this occurs is in trying to start new relationships. I'm a combat-wounded veteran of several different dating sites, currently holding steady at one restraining order and a list of blocked phone numbers the length of my arm. Over years of dating, the one constant comment that I have gotten from potential suitors is that they are "intimidated" by me. Most of the time, this was based on my height and came from people that felt insecure about the idea of dating someone taller than them. Lately, I have also been getting the word "intimidating" thrown around because of the fact that I kickbox, regardless of the fact that I've never punched anyone no matter how badly a first date was going.

For a time, I was really bothered by this reaction. My first impulse was to change my profile – edit out the bits about my kickboxing, or being a vegan, or having an opinion on politics. Keep myself bland and neutral and, most importantly, unthreatening. Let me people find out about me just a little bit at a time, in tiny increments that they would hopefully be able to handle. Perhaps stop listing my height as well -- just leave it blank and let them discover this the first time they met me.

This all felt wrong though. Why should I have to hide who I am? And why would I want to get involved with someone who was so threatened by the person that I have turned out to be? It has taken a while, but I've finally started to come to terms with the fact that I will always stand out from the crowd in some way (and this will always be a bit scary for me, but that's okay). I've learned that the people who really matter will be able to view the things that set me apart from others and love me for these things, rather than feel threatened or intimidated by them. Most importantly of all though, I've learned that there is never a good reason for me to dim my own light simply to make other people feel more comfortable. To do so would be a discredit not only to myself but also to the people in my life who already love me, just as I am.

Bold emphasis mine! Did anyone else have this powerful message to Be ThemSelves when working with Black? To confront their deep dark secret Selves and Be OK with it? It seems like all I'm working through this time around...

Your Daily Black

Yes it seems that Black is speaking to me AGAIN. I really didn't have this happen last time I went through the colors.

As you know (or in case you didn't) I get the goddess of the week newsletters from goddess.au.com; this week's goddess is Hathor, and here is what the newsletter says:

Hathor's esoteric attributes are about emotions and feelings. Hathor brings the gift of shapeshifting - she lets you transform from a woman coping with the daily mondo to the woman you really want to be.

MANTRA: Shape-shift

This part I found interesting because Black is all about self-acceptance and find your truth (at least that's how I am seeing her) and this goddess seems to be about hiding it, or putting on something that *isnt* you. So I was about to dismiss her, then I read her affirmations...

AFFIRMATIONS:

• I am who I am This is one of the Affirmations that Jacqueline wrote for Black, word for word!
• Bring on joy!
• I love who I am
• People are inspired by my joy
• I release negativity through dancing
• I dance with abandon, and fear abandons me

These are *definitely* resonating with the Energy of Black!

Her Story
Hathor was revered as the ancient Queen of Heaven. She is the patron of dancers, a goddess of music, the generator of light and radiant power. She is also the patron of all women, no matter their station in life, but is particularly the protector of pregnant women.

Her Modern Energy
Her energy radiates through your core of creativity, your centre of emotion, while her wisdom shines in your third eye. Just as Hathor shape-shifts to meet each situation head-on in her most inspired and brilliant form, so can you.

If you are feeling down in the dumps, look inward and ask what is it that is causing you angst? Will this go away if you change your response and attitude? Hathor says, yes. Use her gift of shape- shifting to reinvent your habitual responses to situations.

Draw in her light, energise your being, and emerge with a new outlook that will see you succeed.

Reconnect With Your Inner Hathor
Hathor appeals to your creative core to dance. Release any anxieties through your feet as they hit the earth, and through your upraised arms as you reach for the stars. Dance with the rhythm of the earth, surrender to the pulse, embrace the emotion. Shape shift from a creature crippled with responsibilities and burdened with social expectation into a beautiful wild woman.

You are truly blessed to have Hathor speak to you today. Take a moment to look inward. Hold a related gemstone, or light a related essence. What is it that is causing you angst? Visualise the problem rolling itself into a ball. Take the ball, and throw it into the air as you leap into your week, light of step and glowing with radiance!

What Would Hathor Do?
... If she were in your situation she would imagine herself to be the animal or personality that can easily transcend the obstacle. (Excerpt from What Would Goddess Do? A Journal For Channelling Divine Guidance by Anita Revel)


Image by Thalia Took
It seems to me the lesson of Hathor could also be a lesson from Black. On the surface it seems though that they would be at odds, like I said earlier, one asking us to pretend/shapeshift/become what we are not, the other asking us to find our truth. But I think the truth is that we all carry these other parts of us that we hide most of the time because they are scary to us or disapproved of by others. Hathor asks us to pull those out when we need them, and Black asks us to see that these have been our truths all along...

The Messages from Black Just Keep Coming!

Here's another one, this time from Positively Present...

the top 5 ways to love yourself now


(♥)
Hard as it can be to realize sometimes, no matter what you think, you are good enough. With the onslaught of picture perfect images in the media and culturally defined ideas of what we "should" look like, sometimes it's so hard to just do one of the most basic things -- love ourselves. To me, loving yourself is the very first step to living a positive and present life. If you can't love yourself, you're going to have a hard time truly loving the world around you and enjoying the life you're living. However, loving yourself is no easy task sometimes. It actually takes a lot of hard work, which is why I've come up with the top five ways you can start loving yourself right now.

Top 5 Ways to Love Yourself

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. The entire world encourages us to compare, to want what others have, to want to be like others. In the post I wrote back in 2009, Stop Judging: 4 Reasons, 5 Things, 6 Ways, I talked about how much we lose when we waste time judging others and ourselves. If you truly want to love yourself, you must stop your comparisons. Focus on you and what's great about who you are, what you have, and what you do. Don't waste any more time comparing yourself to those around you. This is the first -- and most important -- step to loving yourself now.

2. Focus on your achievements -- big and small. To often, we focus on the things that went wrong (or could go wrong) and not on the things we did right. We'll dwell forever on a conversation that went poorly, but hardly think at all about a wonderful interaction with had with someone. Likewise, people are often more likely to focus on their failures than their achievements (probably as some sort of self-protection in order to avoid future failures). It's okay to acknowledge the things that didn't go swimmingly, but if you really want to love yourself, you have to spend most of your time thinking about what you did/said right. And, remember, even the little things deserve a pat on the back.

3. Look past the mirror to your true self. It's all too common for people to define themselves by the way they look. Remember: you are more than what you look like. Yes, it cannot be denied that appearance is important and has some merit, but it is not everything. The way culture is set up, it's hard to remember that sometimes. Next time you look in the mirror and find yourself filled with negative thoughts, remind yourself that you are more than what you see in that reflection. Your worth is more than the way you look. Once you convince yourself of the truth in those words, it will become much easier to love your true self.

4. View yourself from an another perspective. We all have the tendency from time to time to get wrapped up in our own minds. Our thoughts and ideas take over and we tend to forget that there are millions and millions of other opinions and ideas out there in the world. The next time you find that you're giving yourself a hard time, take a step back and try to look at the situation -- and yourself -- objectively. You may soon realize that the way you were looking at yourself or the situation is not the way that others would. Taking a step back and looking at yourself with fresh eyes will help you to realize that you are worth more than you realize -- and you are certainly deserving of your own love.

5. Make a list of all your awesome traits. Feeling like you're not quite up to par? Stop. Drop what you're doing. Grab paper and a pen. And get to work. The activity might seem like a silly one, but, seriously, taking some time to write about how great you are will help you to realize that, no matter how you might feel about yourself sometimes, you really are pretty awesome. And if you find yourself struggling with this exercise, enlist the help of friends and family. Hearing their input about your awesomeness will make you realize that, hey, if all of those people can love you, you can certainly love yourself!

As I said, loving yourself isn't easy. It seems like the kind of thing that should come naturally, but I think most people are filled with reasonable amount of self-doubt and, as a result, their minds fill with self-deprecating thoughts from time to time. It's okay to struggle with self-love, but it's not okay not to give it a really solid try. You deserve to love yourself because, no matter who you are, you are awesome. So start embracing your awesomeness and use the five tips above to start loving yourself now. There's no time like the present to learn to love yourself!

Another Link to Black

Black, who challenges us to Know Ourselves, would approve of this article. (Originally posted at Heal Your Life, January 6, 2011.)

Love Your Inner Child
Releasing hurts of the past.
by LOUISE L. HAY

IT DOESN’T MATTER how old you are, there is a little child within who needs love and acceptance. If you’re a woman, no matter how self-reliant you are, you have a little girl who’s very tender and needs help. If you’re a man, no matter how macho you are, you still have a little boy inside who craves warmth and affection.

As children, when something went wrong, we tended to believe that there was something wrong with us. Children develop the idea that if they could only do it right, then parents and caregivers would love them, and they wouldn’t punish them. In time, the child believes, There is something wrong with me. I’m not good enough. As we grow older, we carry these false beliefs with us. We learn to reject ourselves.

There is a parent inside each of us, as well as a child. And most of the time, the parent scolds the child—almost nonstop! If we listen to our inner dialogue, we can hear the scolding. We can hear the parent tell the child what it is doing wrong or how it is not good enough. We need to allow our parent to become more nurturing to our child.

I have found that working with the inner child is most valuable in helping to heal the hurts of the past. At this point in our lives—right now—we need to begin to make ourselves whole and accept every part of who we are. We need to communicate with our inner child and let it know that we accept the part that did all the stupid things, the part that was funny looking, the part that was scared, the part that was very foolish and silly—every single part of ourselves.

Love is the greatest healing power I know. Love can heal even the deepest and most painful memories because love brings the light of understanding to the dark corners of our mind. No matter how painful our early childhood was, loving our inner child now will help us to heal it. In the privacy of our own minds we can make new choices and think new thoughts. Thoughts of forgiveness and love for our inner child will open pathways, and the Universe will support us in our efforts.

The following letter from my book, Letters to Louise, may help you better understand your inner child:

Dear Louise,

I was raised by parents who had very little love for themselves or others. They rarely praised me or validated my self-worth. Instead, they continually criticized and berated me, no matter how hard I tried to win their approval. And they frequently fought violently with each other.

As an adult, I have forgiven my parents, but I find myself locked in the shame and guilt and fear I was raised with. How can I rid myself of the many messages they taught me as a child and learn to love myself?

Dear One,

So many wonderful workshops are available to you. There are also 12-step programs of every sort. By reaching out and taking advantage of the help they offer, you can place yourself in a healing environment that may be helpful. You can also go within and silently ask the Universe to bring you to the appropriate next step in your healing process. Be sincere in really desiring to move into greater understanding.

Also, remind yourself every day that guilt is merely the feeling associated with a thought that you did something wrong. Shame is only a feeling associated with a thought that something was wrong with you.

Use the affirmation: I am perfect, whole, and compete, just as I am. The more you repeat this statement of truth about yourself, the quicker you will release the past.

And the affirmation she suggests is very similar to the one Jacqueline wrote: I am who I am. I am not ashamed.

Affirmations for Black

I thought someone might be interested in printing out the affirmations that Jacqueline wrote and I decorated...


Click for Full Size
or take this link to buy cards, magnets, etc.
I'm not 100% happy with the fonts, but it's good enough for now.

Fear of the Unknown

Really! I just scroll through the newsletter and click on my freebies, 99% of the time! But a layout caught my eye today, and I slowed my scrolling down enough to catch the title of this...

Again, I think it fits in perfect with our Black studies, linking back to the affirmation Jacqueline wrote, "I will spend time with the unknown and be not afraid of it."

LIFE MUSES
By Rozanne Paxman
Muse: To be absorbed in one's thoughts; engage in meditation. Not intended to solve the world's problems, another person's problems, or to cover topics completely. One does not have to agree with musings to enjoy them, just as one does not have to be the same as someone else to appreciate who they are.

Fear of the Unknown is a terrible fellow. He stands in hip boots and shakes fists in the air. He pulls frightening faces. He points, and he paces. He laughs when he scares you. He just doesn't care.

Fear of the Unknown is a terrible, wild man. He'll rip up your sofa and steal all your bread. He'll total your car and embezzle your money. He'll fire you, disown you, and leave you for dead.

Fear of the Unknown is a powerful fellow 'cause that's what he's told you and that's what you think. But the truth of the truth (and it's time that you knew it) is that Fear of the Unknown's a weak, sniveling stink.

He is vanquished forever when questions are answered – the ill-mannered questions that torment at night - the questions that stand in the back of your closet that jump out and get you and give you a fright.

"What if you fail here?" He whispers and teases. "What if they fire you and send you away? You'll starve, don't you know? You can't handle disasters. You're weak. You're a coward. You're foolish and lame."

"What if you're sick?" He mentions while moaning. "What if you're so sick that you pass away? You'll leave them behind without any money. They'll suffer and hate you when you're in your grave."

Fear of the Unknown is a persistent fellow. He sits in the parlor and rides in your truck. He follows you closely and sticks to your clothing. He walks in your shadow and laughs when you're stuck.

Fear of the Unknown is a sham of a fellow. His questions of terror you do need to hear. So listen and grab them and hold them and squeeze them. Write them and read them. Get rid of the fear.

Prepare for the worst things, the worst that he tells you. Decide what you'd do if your nightmares come true. Consider each one, from beginning to finish. How would you manage? What would you do?

And then he will leave you, old Fear of the Unknown. He'll leave you alone. He will go far away. Preparing and planning when you hear his questions are certain to scare him. He'll go without pay.

'Cause Fear of the Unknown loves shadows and darkness. Fear of the Unknown loves terror at night. He doesn't like bravery or courage or action. He doesn't like people who put up a fight.

Accept Your Truth

Serendipity is a wonderful thing...

This was in my ScrapGirls daily newsletter today; I don't normally *read* it (it's full of ads, but does link to a daily freebie for digital scrapbookers), but I did today. I think this fits in perfect with our Black studies..

LIFE MUSES
By Rozanne Paxman
Muse: To be absorbed in one's thoughts; engage in meditation. Not intended to solve the world's problems, another person's problems, or to cover topics completely. One does not have to agree with musings to enjoy them, just as one does not have to be the same as someone else to appreciate who they are.

I began scolding myself in my journal because I caught myself trying to be something I am not.

"I want to be acceptable," the conversation began.

"Acceptable to whom?" I countered.

"Acceptable to... to..." I thought. "Everybody?"

"That's silly," I shot back. "You can't be acceptable to everyone."

"You're right," I agreed. "I can't control if anyone at all will accept me. There may be times when what I am doing isn't acceptable to anyone."

"Remember what Abraham Lincoln said?"

"You can please most of the people some of the time. You can please some of the people all the time. But you can't please all of the people every time," I paraphrased.

"Correct. So, tell me... who are you?"

"I'm a short, blond, 53-year-old woman with a husband, four children, and two grandchildren. I run a digital scrapbooking company...."

Interrupting the flow of the description, I commanded, "Don't tell me what you are. Tell me who you are. Tell me what your truth is about yourself."

As soon as the thought came to me, I realized that I had stumbled onto something. Who am I? What is my truth?

I began making a list:

• I am spiritual. I love Heavenly Father and Christ. They are my North Star.
• I am focused when I work. Perhaps, too focused. I sometimes become unaware of what is happening around me.
• I am a deep thinker. In fact, I often think so deeply that I get lost in the forest.
• I am always trying to improve myself. I usually fail, but at least I keep trying.
• I am not cool. I don't care what is fashionable. I like what I like. The only time I feel unsure about what I like is when I start overanalyzing myself and worrying if people will think I'm dorky.
• I am an introvert. I enjoy spending time alone with brief expeditions into sociality, which sometimes tire me physically.
• I am easily bored.
• I stop and start projects too often.
• I am serious. Often, too serious.
• I have a wry sense of humor.
• I am a teacher.
• I am a storyteller.
• I speak in analogies.
• I am a writer.
• I am a musician (although not as much as I used to be).

As the list continued, I realized that I have more strengths than I give myself credit for. My strengths often counterbalance my weaknesses. I understood that it doesn't matter if other people see me differently than I see myself.

As I wrote my thoughts in my journal, I saw myself scrawl a phrase that caught my breath. "Accept your truth," it said.

I read the phrase over and over. "Accept your truth. Accept your truth. Accept your truth."

"Yes," I said. "That's it. If I accept my truth, I won't worry about being acceptable. This will open me to the freedom to accept others without worrying if they accept me."

I closed my journal and smiled.

Life is good.

A Month of Exploring Black

Last year, my partner, Jacqueline, and I dedicated each month to exploring the energy of the various signs of the zodiac as they came around. We would do a ritual each new moon; learn about the sign, its strengths and attributes; and spend a month meditating with some related affirmations.

This year we've decided to explore the colors, as described in Esmerelda Little Flame's book, Temple of the Twelve. This past new moon, we had planned an introduction feast & ritual to Lady Black, but were unable to do it until tonight. We discussed how Black is the color of Truth and Depth (or Troopth and Death as we all kept saying... XD ) and what that means to us, what our individual Truths are, and how we can bring this energy more into our lives.

Our affirmations are posted in the usual spot, and at the end of this month (perhaps closer to the next new moon), we'll be discussing any truths we may have discovered this month, no matter how big or small, that we weren't aware of before. I am also planning on doing another self-portrait and will answer the black questions again from the workbook before the month is up.

Oh, our affirmations, written by Jacqueline Parks, if anyone is interested:

Affirmations for the Energy of Black
~ I am who I am. I am not ashamed.
~ I will seek to know myself.
~ I will work to erase the influence of those things that are not part of the truth of me.
~ I will work to grow those things that are a part of the truth of me.
~ I will seek to know others.
~ I will seek truth in all things.
~ I will honor truth in my decisions.
~ I will spend time with the unknown and be not afraid of it.
~ I will release to black all of my fears, insecurities, and other demons.

Temple... Questions

1. In the story, Little Bird meets Black and is challenged to discover who her authentic, real self is. How well do you know your own authentic self? We asked you to create a portrait of your self at the beginning of this adventure. How well do you think that portrait describes your real, authentic self?
I believe it *looks* like me, a me that was at one time, but not the me I *am* right now today...

2. After having read Chapter One and meeting Black, is there anything that you would like to add to your initial portrait?
Oh I would add so much more, but I am not going to go back and change it. It is who I felt I was on the day that I painted it, and that is good enough for now.

3. Little Bird of the story has been gifted with artistic talent. What would you say are your own gifts and talents?
I wish my artistic talent came like Little Bird’s does, but it *is* a talent of mine. I write well. I take nice pictures.

4. Do you feel you have fully explored them? Why or why not?
No. Not at all. They’ve all been things that others, whose values and opinions mattered more to me than my own, have not deemed them worthy of doing. They don’t make money.

5. And how do you think Black would encourage you to explore the depths of those gifts and talents? What would she ask you to do with them?
She would want me to create every day to fully explore them! Write stories, draw pictures, take photographs...

6. Some people are afraid of Black, thinking it is evil. Do you feel any fear towards Black? If so, why?
I have never feared Black, but have been drawn to it – it’s a slimming color you know... LOL! Ok seriously, no I have no fear of Black, and have indeed felt drawn to that color, but not as strong as purple... ^-^

7. You have seen how Caroline reacts and interacts with Deity as represented by the color Black? If you were in Little Bird’s place, how do you think you would react and interact with the color Black?
I don’t think I would ever react to anyone with that kind of uncontrolled emotion; I’ve been conditioned to try very hard to not show any emotion – of course I fail miserably, but I still think I would at least attempt to contain myself more...

8. Select just one of the gifts and talents that you listed earlier. Write down your plan on how you will improve that gift or talent.
I have decided to create something every day this month! So far so good!

9. OPTIONAL: Write your own Prayer to Black here.
I will think on this more, and should one come to me I will post it and use it during the ritual...

10. A Ritual for Black. (This is on Page 23 in the workbook, to be done at the Dark Moon which is around the 24th of this month of February).
Will do on the 24th and post about it...

Self-Portrait

I am so damn proud of myself... *blush*

I should have checked the photo one last time before I called it finished; I think it needs more shadow under the eyes and side of the nose. And I see all my other errors too, but I love it anyway! Look, it's got glitter!!!

Temple of the Twelve Study Tip

I'll admit I read the first section MONTHS ago, and stopped because I wanted to do the activities/exercises before moving on, and I got stuck on the self-portrait. Do I want to sketch something realistically, paint something, go cutesy, do a collage...??? And then it came down to OMG WHO AM I? :::sigh::: Why do I have to be so damn existential lately???? Anyway, I've been suffering with my self-image and have delayed - and I suppose I am now even by writing this and not doing it, but that's not the point! Anyway, I've found a video that might help us, by an artist who I haven't figured out yet. I don't know if she's stoned or crazy or just... you know what? It doesn't matter. I love her messages. I love her spirit. And I love *her*!

So, here she is: Suzi Blu: Self Portrait

PS - Our Creative Gods & Goddesses might find it inpiring too!